To the person cutting ties and learning to let go
At what point do you decide when it's time to let go of something you love but you know is not healthy for your soul? Is it something that you feel overtime and then one day your just done? If so, is it instant thought? Is it what happens when all of a sudden your tired of explaining and tired of arguing. Is it when you just decide to give up? But is it actually giving up or is it simply deciding to move on and choosing a better path. Is it deciding to find your happiness even though its hard to imagine being happy when you feel like you're losing a piece of yourself, a piece of your heart and soul. Even losing your best friend, your safe haven.
I have been so incredibly happy for the last 3 years of my life that I have almost forgot what it feels like not to be. This feeling that I am expierenceing is unfamiliar. I have cut ties with someone who is/was very special to me. Fight after fight, hearing sorry over and over, something just clicked. I was no longer willing to explain something that was irrelevant, or argue over something minor. I had no desire to. I was exhausted. That was when I thought to myself; this isn't me. This isn't my life, and this isn't how I want to live. I miss my happiness and I miss my joy. I miss not having this feeling that I am gasping for air. Its like I can't breathe; I am drowning.
Going from a state of pure happiness to a very low point in what I thought was love has been a rude awakening for me. I don't know how to pretend to be happy. I try to fake a smile but even then, I feel like its noticeable. Faking a smile has been one of the hardest tasks of this transition. Faking a smile and pretending everything is okay, that I am okay, has been hard for me.
I pray and I remember to breathe.
This will pass, I tell myself.
Every heart break and every fight, every love and every tragedy has brought me here. To this moment. To this blog. To tell you all that it is okay. You will grow and you will be happy. Cutting ties where you once thought you were safe, where you thought there was security, is not always a bad thing. Sometimes love isn't enough. Sometimes love isn't a reason to be unhappy. Ultimately love will find you again and so will happiness and joy. You have to be strong and you have to be patient.
I have forgiven all the words that were said, and I have come to terms that what once was so beautiful and brought me so much joy is just the end of a chapter, a very long chapter. Funny thing is though, as hurt, and as scared as I am to have to trust someone new and start all over, I am also hopeful. I am hopeful that one day I will wake up and I will be able to take a breathe without it hurting. I will be able to look at you and not want to die. Ill be able to see our pictures and not think to myself how did I let this happen. I will be able to sleep and not dream about what use to be and how I could have saved us. I am sorry. I am sorry that we did not have the strength in love to see this through and bring us back to happy days. However I am NOT sorry for choosing me. I am not sorry for choosing happiness and a fresh start.
The thing about me is I love hard and I love without limits. I will give you all and in return I expect the same. The Leo in me is a strong courageous fighter but also a soft, sensitive lover. I will love again and I know I am still lovable. Not all change is bad and not all change has to come unwelcomed. I will keep my head high and I will continue to ask my God to help me see this through. Help me see the light again, and help me find my breathe.
Peace is coming.
For all of you who can relate to this in someway I am sorry. I am sorry that you have to hit rock bottom but the thing about rock bottom is you can only go up. We can find happiness. Wether it be in love or in ourself. Finding happiness is the key to peace. If its meant to be the stars will realign but for now I have to focus on peace and clarity, on my health, happiness, and peace of mind.